SO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED TOO???

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Hi guys,

Well it’s kinda-sorta still the season of love. A lot of engagement rings flying upandan, here and there, people getting hitched, tying the knot and officially saying bye to the “singlehood market”, which in it’s sense is a very beautiful thing. Marriage is one broad topic I hold dear to my heart and would always want to share about but I’m usually reluctant to share my little insights/knowledge. The reason is because sometimes I feel like I’m relatively young and “kinda-sorta not qualified yet” if you get what I mean (Lol.. but I’ll be qualified someday, until then we (me, myself and I) shall purposefully wait 😀 ). I had a big nudge to share this and what really set the ball rolling was a reminder of the fact that God doesn’t always use “the qualified” when He wants to send home a message. I strongly believe in my heart that this is for someone out there, I may not know who you are but trust me God has you in mind for the fact that you’ve come across this.

With the alarming rate at which people have been getting engaged and married of late, you may be feeling like you’re not on the same planet Earth as them, like you’re an alien or you’re probably residing in planet Mars. No aota of boo or potential boo in sight, not to talk of being in a relationship or even getting engaged. You want this whole marriage thing sooo badly that you try so hard to manipulate things to satisfy that need to be hitched too. You never forget to dress to kill or be noticed while attending every single party that may luckily toss you a potential boo. This is the stress many people put themselves through all in the name of being desperate to get married and be featured on BellaNaija too.

The lesson to be passed across is one that we can easily relate to, as most people look forward to happy marriages. I’ll draw this lesson out from something that happened to me recently (in literal sense, it doesn’t correlate but in practical sense it does). Okay so during the week I was craving a particular snack soooo badly that I became super desperate to get it at all means even though I knew it wasn’t a part of my budget at that moment. Eventually, I ordered it and was super excited at the fact that at least my long awaited craving would be satisfied. After the close of work, I went to pick it up and meanwhile during the working hours, my mind would wander off to how the snack would taste, how fulfilling and satisfying it would be that I may not even be cured of my craving…lol (Note: I got distracted while working). So on getting to the pick up venue, my excitement flew 10notches up, I couldn’t wait to devour this snack. As I got into my car after collecting it, I immediately found my way through the double packaging and had two slices to eat without any hesitation. After the first slice the excitement had dropped to about fifty percent and while munching on the second slice, the excitement had gone about 9.5notches down (almost zero percent). I was no longer feeling/enjoying it as much as I craved it; I got tired too quickly and dumped the rest in the refrigerator when I got home. I guess I must have been too full from the thoughts of my craving that there wasn’t much room to accommodate the real deal.

The craving had been satisfied so now what???

This same thing applies to us when we crave getting married so badly and at all cost (the same way I craved for that snack). We usually get distracted while trying to sign up for a relationship or even marriage when it’s not part of God’s budget for us yet. Instead of focusing on the work we were called to do here on earth (purpose), we focus on having the fairy tale, talk-of-the-town type of wedding so we can be featured on BellaNaija and the likes. When we eventually get what we “seemingly want”, yes “want” because we may not need it at that moment. So yea, when we finally get what we “seemingly want” out of desperation, we get tired easily within a short time frame and enter into hibernation/flight mode. We are then left with the questions:

NOW WHAT???  WHY THE RUSH???  SO WHAT NEXT???

I’ve noticed that the most unexpected/unplanned good experiences are priceless and usually the best. The memories and rewards always linger, are usually long lasting and also worth the while. Just like the first time I tasted that snack, it was unexpected and tasted sooo good that the memory still lingers.

Marriage is no child’s play; it’s not something you dabble in and out of. Marriage is serious business and requires the unity of two ‘whole-mature’ individuals (male and female) who know what their individual/personal purposes are, what their purposes are for each other and what their purpose will be together in marriage before officially tying the knot. It’s one thing to just know and another thing entirely to do. So it requires them not only knowing these purposes but also ‘doing’ at least their individual/personal purposes while supporting each other (Purpose for each other, which would continue in marriage). The latter purpose (Purpose Together) would happen in marriage and most times from what I have observed, this is part of the bonding glue that keeps the marriage in one piece (please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong).

It is important to know and walk in the 1st categorized purpose (Personal purpose) before anything at all. It serves as one of the major litmus tests that will help you in the choice of your life partner. I’ve seen/I know women who didn’t discover themselves and their purpose before marriage, got into marriage and suddenly began to discover themselves/their purpose, only for them to be oppressed and humiliated by their husbands. Likewise some men being oppressed and humiliated by their wives too (I personally do not know of any but I know some of them pass through same stuff too). If you’re married and you belong to this category of people just ask God to help you on that journey and help turn around the heart of your spouse for good, that they’ll begin to buy into/support your vision. There’s nothing, I repeat: nothing God cannot do.

A lot of marriages have gone down the line or are on the verge of going down the line because many “unwhole” individuals have signed up for what they cannot handle due to their lack of wholeness (topic for another day). Do not waste your singlehood, trust me many married people wish they could turn back the hand of time and become single again so that they can right their wrongs or fill the empty vacuum they currently have and have had even before marriage. I’ve realized that rushing to get into that “something called Love” will most likely make you rush out. So just take your time, spend a lot of time with God, He’ll lead you to your personal purpose because the truth is that without Him, you’ll only remain a miserable-lost-course. He remains the manufacturer and only the manufacturer knows how best his product will function and yield an optimum result/output. Spend time with Him, get to know and discover yourself, work on your flaws (weaknesses) while leveraging on your strengths and things will eventually fall in the right places for you. (I recommend reading “The Purpose Driven Life” book by Rick Warren)

Always remember that it’s really not about how fast or early you get married but about how well prepared you are for marriage. Next week I’ll shed more light on being whole before marriage.

Thank you and have a fabulous weekend!

~ Mary Agaruwa

NB:- Please feel free to share your thoughts on this in the comment section below and also share this post with others if you wish to.

 

 

Preparing To Become A Husband – 10 Tips For Single Men

Culled from: BMWK, Written by: Mykal Seaton

Hey guys!… Okay, so here’s the Men’s version.. 🙂

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The earlier article,  Preparing To Become A Wife ““ 10 Tips For Single Women, gave great tips for wives-to-be and inspired me to sit down and write out my thoughts on being a great husband. In no way am I proclaiming perfection in any of these areas, but like any relationship you have to work hard on the positives in order to become an ideal partner.

Prior to my marriage I would’ve never been able to construct a list like this and I hope my experiences can influence someone to develop positive habits prior to saying “I do.”

  1.  Develop An Intimate Relationship With God:(as seen on Preparing To Become A Wife ““ 10 Tips For Single Women)
    You cannot enter into a successful covenant with a husband wife if you don’t first have one with God. Seek biblical wisdom, study the word, develop a life of prayer and be dedicated to living for God. This will strengthen the marriage covenant when God allows you to walk into that season. A three-cord strand is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
  2.  Be Faithful:
    Being faithful isn’t just restricted to being a “one-woman man.” You have to be faithful in every aspect of your marriage. Be faithful in the way you budget your finances as well as the time you spend with your wife and family. Your wife will always respect you when she’s able to trust you to be faithful to the life that you’re trying to live together.
  3.  Plan Together:
    Your wife is counting on you to have a realistic vision for the rest of your lives. Your marriage should include goals and a purpose that you two can openly discuss and achieve together. For example, if you two are planning to buy a house, how are you going to do that? To get the ball rolling, try writing down some short-term goals and post them on the fridge. When a goal is achieved you should acknowledge and celebrate it together.

4.Constantly Remix Your Love Language:
Your wife will appreciate your creativity when it comes to showing her how much she means to you. Remember to date your wife and always keep her guessing when it comes to how you show her that you love her. Get clever with the gift giving and remember that even though it’s the thought that counts they can always tell just how much thought went in to a gift.

  1.  PDA Is Much More Than Being “Hands-On”:
    Express your feelings for your wife in public often. PDA is more than just locking arms or lips at the mall. When you’re around your friends give compliments to your wife, praise her cooking, her outfit, or how proud you are of her recent accomplishment. Use social media to tell your wife and the world how much she means to you. (I love you @lcnurse10).
  2.  Be a R.E.A.L. Man:
    Realize that you have a responsibility to set the standard of living inside your household.
    Earn the right to call yourself a man by displaying Godly standards of headship.
    Always put your marriage first.
    Love unconditionally and eternally.
  3.  Make Sure Your Roots Are Solid:
    Having deep roots makes you dependable and gives your wife assurance. Be rooted in your faith, marriage, and job. Your wife should know how dedicated you are. Having deep roots will show that you are committed and reliable even during adversity. The trees that survive a storm are the trees with the deepest roots. As your roots deepen, your branches will grow and you will bear nothing but good fruit.
  4.  Adapt To Your New Environment:
    When you’re married the adjustment from the single or dating life can be a challenge. You’re going to be spending more time (a lot more) with your wife than with your friends. Leaving your gym shoes in the middle of floor might have been ok at your bachelor pad but with marriage comes new rules on household etiquette. Adapting smoothly into married living will make your wife more comfortable and ease any nervous feelings that she may have. Discuss with your wife on how your household should be run. This will help alleviate future arguments.
  5.  Be A Leader:
    As a husband it is imperative that you demonstrate the characteristics of a good leader. You must be patient enough to listen, confident enough to decide, and worthy enough of submission. If you don’t have the right answers, seek them out. If you can’t find the right answers, ask for help. Your wife is your helpmate and her opinion and input is just as important as yours. All decisions should not be left up to you alone. Tag-team often on problem solving and decision making with your wife. Be a president and not a dictator.
  6.  Pray Out Loud:
    Here’s a quick secret: one of the sexiest things you can do is randomly grab your wife by the hand and say, “Let’s pray.” Having a bold prayer life shows your wife that you’re not the end-all-be-all and that though you are the head of the house you still answer to a higher calling. Your willingness to pray out loud will inspire and increase the faith of your entire family.

What tips would you add to the list for single men?  

Preparing To Become A Wife: 10 Tips For Single Women

Culled from: BMWK, Written by: Tanika Jones

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Many women dream of that special day. You know the one, where all of the attention is on her in that gorgeous white dress. The flowers, the decorations, the fancy cars and let’s not forget, her Prince Charming.

Most women have an idea of what age they will be when Mr. Right asks her to spend the rest of her life with him. She has the colors picked out, the ideal season, the wedding party and even the guest list! To many women, the wedding day is the turning point in her life that will lead to her happily ever after. Many of us have focused (let’s be honest) so much time and thought on the wedding and the marriage that we have never spent enough time and energy on the most important part”…preparing to become a wife!

I too used to get excited about getting married, having a family and living the fairy tale princess life. But then it happened; reality hit me smack in the face. I started paying attention to women who were already wives. I quickly noticed that marriage takes work! I am talking about 24/7/365 work! The great thing about the marital covenant is that when you give it your all, you can live “happily ever after”!

As a woman involved in a courtship, I have obtained the counsel of women that have been married for 10+ years. I ask two questions that I believe will help prepare me to be the best wife that I can be. The first question is, “What are some things that you wish you would have done to prepare for marriage differently?” The other question is, “What advice would you give that would help me to be the wife that God calls women to be?” I have received great wisdom and advice from Godly women who have been married for close to 40 years! I would like to share that advice with other single women.

  1. Develop an intimate relationship with God. You cannot enter into a successful covenant with a husband if you don’t first have one with God. Seek biblical wisdom, study the word, develop a life of prayer and be dedicated to living for God. This will strengthen the marriage covenant when God allows you to walk into that season. A three-cord strand is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
  2. Master the art of fidelity and trust. No man wants a woman that cannot be faithful nor one that turns her neck at every fine man that she sees. Learn to 100% committed prior to a serious courtship. Be happy with what God has blessed you with and cultivate your relationship. It is also important to be a woman of your word. If you promise to do something, be sure to do it!
  3. Develop the ability to take care of a home. Ladies, in order to be a great partner in marriage, we must bring the ability to emotionally and physically take care of the house. Learn to set a atmosphere of peace and love. Avoid quarrels when possible. Practice gentleness with others that cross your path.
  4. Learn how to cook! My mother once told me that a woman that cannot cook is not cute! We know that men like to eat. Let’s be serious here. We all need to eat to live. Eating out all of the time can become expensive and who doesn’t love a home-cooked meal from time to time. If you cannot do anything beyond boil water, invest in a cookbook. Try one new meal a week and you will quickly improve your cooking skills.
  5. Make smart financial decisions. If you desire to marry a man that provides and makes the best decisions for his family, you need to do the same. Smart men don’t want to marry a woman that spends way more than she saves. Work on your budget and be sure to have an emergency fund that covers 3-6 months on expenses along with retirement savings. Preparing for tomorrow is important. The ability to manage money is important in marriage.
  6. Be complete as one. Be comfortable with not having a man in this season. Learn to be happy on your own. Find joy in those things that make you happy. Love what you have and don’t covet what others have. Spend time in your singleness doing the things that you love to do. Travel, find hobbies and do the things that married women tell you that you won’t have time to do when you get married and then become a mother.
  7. Learn the art of compromise. Marriage will be about give and take. While you are single, learn that you don’t always have to be right and accept that most things will not always happen your way. Be willing to sacrifice what you want for the benefit and happiness of others. Wives have to compromise many things. The earlier we learn to compromise, the better off we will be in marriage.
  8. Be committed to pursuing your dreams and supporting others. It is important to have your own goals and motivations prior to becoming one with your future husbands. The single season is a great opportunity to begin building your career, business or working towards other goals. Learn how to support family and friends in their endeavors as well. When you become a wife, you will have to support your husband’s dreams, possibly at the expense of yours. You must be okay with this level of sacrifice and compromise prior to committing to marriage.
  9. Know what submission is and be ready to walk in it. Many people shy way from this discussion. Submission is not equivalent to obedience. Submission is yielding in love. Study God’s design for marriage and understand the role of a wife. In your singleness, God is your husband. Submit yourself to Him. Trust His plan and timing for your life. Seek His guidance in all that you do. Practicing submission now will be the driving force to it being second nature to you once you become a wife.
  10. Be holy and feminine in your conduct. Always carry yourself as a classy woman who walks with confidence. Men want a woman they are proud to take home to their families. They want a woman with high self-esteem, one who walks gracefully, respects herself and others around her.

Marriage is a sacred bond between God, man and woman. This is a great starting list to help single women prepare.

Whether you are single or married, share with us any other advice that can help women (and men too) prepare for a successful and lifelong marriage.

 

 

Everybody cannot be YOU…

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Hi guys!..

I’ve been too tempted to spill a part of the write up I had been saving for a later day… but it’s fine, I shall spill 😀

 

Have you ever felt so frustrated and upset with people that you often feel like duplicating your being in them so they could get to think, talk and act like you or act in a manner that suits you??? Have you ever tried explaining or expressing yourself to people and it just seems like they are hard nuts to crack, like they don’t just get you or see things the way you see them???… Lol, then this is for you…

 

Okay about a few years back, I used to get unnecessarily pissed off and frustrated about the various attitudes of various people around me and it was way too easy for me to think I had no issues myself, like I was flawless when it comes to my relating with people. There was a day I got really pissed off and upset about something a good friend of mine did, all because he didn’t do that thing the way I had expected. To him, he didn’t think he had done anything wrong and this got me more upset. It was something that could have easily been overlooked but I just kept boiling and ranting to myself about how I wished I could duplicate my being in everybody in this world and how I wished everybody could just be me… That was the selfish part of me coming out to play…Lol… As a matter of fact every other person could have wished to duplicate themselves in me in order for me to act, see and do things the way they do as well. So it’s the same feeling all round.

 

Yea so basically, with time I began to realize that everybody cannot be you and you cannot change anybody to suit yourself. You’re not the Holy Spirit. When people act in a manner that’s not pleasing to you, whether they are close to you or not, it is left for you to activate your wisdom site and respond gracefully to their actions. If you really feel the need to correct them, correct in love and not from a confrontational angle. The truth is that you do not have the power over how they act towards you, but you have the power to respond gracefully to their actions which in turn controls the way they act towards you. Wisdom is always profitable to direct.

Don’t fuss about or mad at a person all because they don’t do things the way you do. Everybody cannot be you and until you understand this, you’d keep getting disappointed and frustrated with the various attitudes f the various people around you. The same way no two finger prints are the same, is the exact same way nobody can be like another. We should all learn to give some room, be accommodating, celebrate the uniqueness of others and learn lessons from them. Do not condemn people for who they are. Instead,  love and encourage them to improve and be better.

 

I hope this helps you. Have a fabulous day!.. 🙂

~ Mary Agaruwa

Walk The Talk…

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Do not get carried away by the “itsy bitsy” possessions & characteristics of a person that you ignore the red flags… The red flags are the signs you asked/prayed for… (The itsy bitsy possessions and characteristics include :- #SleekRide #NiceHouse #CEO #TDH #OilCompany #BeardGang #NiceBody  #NiceShape #NiceButts #SixPacks #Figure8 #HotLegs #SmoothSkin #LovelyVoice #GreatAccent #FashionSlayer #SmellsNice #Dreamer #SweetTalker #GreatSmile #DimpledCheeks  #Beautiful #Pretty #Handsome the list is actually unending).
Being Beautiful or Handsome ought to be way beyond what the eyes can see. A certified beautiful or handsome person is the one who’s good looking within and without. Do not let the smooth/sweet talks cloud or blind your sense of judgement and reasoning. If he or she constantly talks the walk and barely walks the talk, then there are most likely greater chances of pretense in the picture. Actions speak louder and more authentically than words.
People blame failed relationships, abusive relationships or broken marriages on Love and say “Love is Blind” or say “Sometimes Love goes Wrong”… Give Love a break!..Love is not blind, Love never goes wrong, Love sees clearly. I’ll rather blame it on the sense of reasoning.. The sense of reasoning is the blind one, the sense of reasoning went wrong.
The truth is that, if you get into a relationship or marriage for the very many wrong reasons, do not be surprised when the relationship or marriage doesn’t last or stand the test of time. You hear all sorts, e.g: “Many of my friends are married or in a relationship”(as a result of peer pressure and lack of self esteem),  “I just need someone to call my own”(as a result of loneliness).. Okay after “calling the person your own” what next???.. No Purpose!.. There’s this popular saying that goes: “When the purpose of a thing is unknown or not clearly known, abuse is inevitable” and it’s just the basic truth. Abuse in that context basically means that just about anything goes, anything is acceptable, anything is bound to happen. If you are about to be or you already are in a relationship and you haven’t defined or spelled out the aim/purpose for that relationship, please do so ASAP before the wedding vows are taken. It is very important!.. It’s better to be on your own than to be in a wrong/abusive relationship and later end up in a broken marriage…
Be careful and wise!
I’ll d love to hear your own contributions, do not hesitate to kindly leave your comments below. Thank you and have a fabulous weekend. 🙂
~Mary Agaruwa